Written by be.loved team member: Nadine Schroeder
Can I share with you some words from my journal? They’re personal and the most authentic version of myself.
I remember the first time I reread my own words. It was almost by accident. I was feeling bored so I turned back to the first page of my journal. Whoops.
It was difficult to read the words I had penned so long before, and it was still difficult this week to read them again, because one of the hardest moments of my breakup was when boy told me that he thought I was farther along in like than he was. He said I seemed so confident in the relationship whereas he was still unsure. This hurt because I actually was unsure. To be honest, I was so unsure. However, I had chosen to give those fears to Jesus rather than bring them up with boy. I wanted Jesus to guide us, not our emotions or thoughts or even our conversations.
This series is not, not, not to say that our breakups will be painless or even should be painless. I feel called to share things that will ease pain, and give glory to our Saviour. Sorrow is allowed. Tears are welcomed at the throne of Jesus. Jesus wept. He mourned over things. He was hurt by people. He understands our pain so much. He is not far from us. He is with us in each moment where we ask Him to join us, and even when we are far from Him, He is still always by our side.
Journal entry from August 30th
16 days ago boy and I started dating. I have so many new emotions. I don’t quite know what to do with myself. I’m so thankful, and excited, and so scared. I’m terrified that boy will change his mind about me. That he’ll just wake up one day and not want to date me anymore.
. . . . . Lord God, be my source. You are my source. In You alone I am made complete. Through my daily death to self in surrender to You I am found in You. Keep my eyes ever on Your throne. Lord, teach me how to date. Please be my guide. Don’t let me rely on anything but You. Jesus, I’m so scared. I’m so scared that I’ll get hurt. And that fear needs to be washed away and replaced by Your love. Replace my ill vision Lord.
. . . . . Lord, protect boy. As I pray that you will focus my heart on You first, may boy also do that. Teach us how to seek first the kingdom of God, of You. You are seek-able and findable. Please show me grace as I sort out my thoughts and focus me on Your will.
. . . . . You are good Lord. You are all that I need. Remind me amidst my fears to keep trusting. Replace my anxiousness with peace. And help boy and I to move forward always within your will. Be glorified and lifted high Jesus.
I was honest with Jesus. I was scared. I was scared boy would wake up and not want to date me. I gave that fear to Jesus. When that moment occurred during our breakup, that moment when boy told me that he had woken up that morning wanting to end the relationship, I was crushed but I was not ruined. I knew Jesus was my strength.
I wrote all of those words while I was dating boy. I was constantly asking Jesus to comfort my heart for whatever would come, whether it would be forever or a failure.
A few days after boy broke up with me I wrote: Jesus, I can’t do this. I thought I could, and I was trying to put on a brave face but I’m so broken Lord. I hate that my emotions are here, and I so want to bring honour to You in this season but my God, I am weak. I am weak.
. . . Lord, please captivate my heart and my thoughts. Guard me. Please be my strength to glorify You and teach me Your ways in this season. In my weakness be strong. In my sadness, please teach me how to mingle joy and sorrow.
Another day I wrote: I don’t yet see Lord. I don’t yet see. But I need to see. Please take my vision and unblur it. Wash away the mud that might be there. Bring Your gracious love to my heart. Let me bring You praise. Even here and now.
I’m not perfect. I hope by now that you’ve caught on to the fact that I don’t see myself as perfect. I see a girl in desperate need of a Saviour who always responds to those who call upon His name. The only thing that is perfect in me is Christ living in me.
I feel as though I’m repeating my last blog post in a way, but I also feel as though it bears repeating. Pray. Pray often. Because I laid my burdens and fears at the foot of the cross, I was able to stand firm in the foundation that Christ had been building in me when my world seemed to fall apart.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted. I know that because scripture tells me in Psalms 34:18: “The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit”. He is near to those who mourn and calls them blessed (Matthew 5:1-10). He orchestrates the things in our life so that we learn more about Him and rely on Him more, giving glory to Him in each moment.
Jesus is great. I am confident that He led me in and out of that relationship for a purpose. Do I still have days when I’m sad? Honestly, not really. It’s a pretty rare day when I miss boy or wish I was still dating him. Writing this blog is bringing up old wounds and pushing me to seek Christ for comfort, but to be honest, the Lord has done so much healing in my heart. Jesus has taught me that I’m meant for a different relationship.
He can do he same for you. Our God is ever faithful.
Call to Jesus. He will respond when you go with a sincere heart before His throne.
No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation (including boyfriends, breakups, job losses, miscarriages, broken marriages and more) will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:37-39, words in bold added).
We are more than conquerors because of Jesus. Jesus is our reason for hope. He provides great comfort amidst great pain. He is our way out of disaster. Jesus is our only means to any kind of end that is holy.
Live for Jesus, okay? Okay.
Written by be.loved team member: Nadine Schroeder